The worst dreams, are the dreams you have that seem so unbelievably real that you try with all of your unconscious might, to run away. But the worst part about these dreams, is when you try to run, and can’t move. It’s as if you have lost all ability to use your extremities and your exhausted efforts only make you fall deeper into sleep, making the nightmare last that much longer. I have dreams like this every once in a while and in a few of them I was trying to chase something rather than run, and I am always disappointed when I awake because I realize that all of my endeavors were in vain. I never caught what whatever it was that I was yearning for.
Those kinds of dream aren’t just for people who are asleep, for they can be very real and accurate while you are very much awake.
In the past month or so, I’ve been thinking that just because you are awake, doesn’t mean that the same scenarios can’t be playing out right in front of you. They can be so apparent and so obvious, that you are quite literally blinded to it. We all have things in our lives that make us feel stuck, and that despite anything we do we feel like we are sinking or have already gone under, never to return to the surface. We all have that invisible quick sand we try to walk through, where we feel like we are going to lose our shoes, so we stand still trying to keep them on our feet. In that moment, we are more worried about our shoes than our lives. Seems stupid right? But we all do it and we are all are more concerned about mindless things, and completely disregard what is really most important.
I’ve experienced things in the past few months that make me wonder what in the hell I’m even chasing, and what the purpose for my pursuit is. I wonder why I have allowed myself to sink back into things that I know full well aren’t good for me. I wonder why I pay attention to people that in a sense mean nothing to me. I wonder why I pay any mind to things that have nothing to do with me. I wonder why friends of mine yearn for things that can’t be changed and long for attention and praise from all the wrong people. I wonder why people focus all their energy on things that won’t mean anything to them in a few years time.
In our minds, we think that whatever it is that we don’t have or whatever we want will make us whole and that we will never want for another thing afterwards. If we could only have that certain thing, then everything else will just fall into place and be hunky dory. But the reality of that is far from what we hope for it to be. The actuality of it all is so deceptive because the picture we have in our minds never gets painted the way we imagine. EVER!
Puzzles can be frustrating for me because I can never ever finish them, and if it were up to me I would just shove the pieces together that I felt went together, but in the end it would for sure like like dog shit. Which defeats the entire purpose. You have to go about it the right way in order for the pretty picture to unveil itself in the end. We can’t just make things fit in places they don’t go. The pieces you tried to shove together that don’t match, end up with damaged edges, rendering them useless in the places they were actually meant for. I try every day to keep myself from forcing the wrongs pieces together, but sometimes it’s hard because it just seems like the easier solution in that moment. Try and look at the bigger picture! 🙂 Even if it doesn’t come with a box!
I am being vague on purpose of what it is that I’m chasing and I’m doing it on purpose because I am somewhat afraid to admit to the level of stupidity I have succumbed to. I should just be honest and write it out but something in my mind and in my fingers wants to keep me from putting the letters in order. But I need to be brave so I can grow and change and prevent myself from making the same mistake for the 4th time. Inevitably, putting me right back at square one, every god damn time.
I’ve had people ask me what made me want to start a blog in the first place, and there were quite a few reasons, being that I love fashion, music and writing it somewhat seems like a no brainer. And it was always in the back of my mind to do it ‘one day’. But I lied when I said those things because those weren’t the main reasons. The main reason was because I needed to get my mind off of something and felt like I needed to dive into something that required me to think about something else. I needed something to direct my full attention to but before I made it, I was dating someone, and I was so disappointed that things didn’t go my way. I allowed, and still allow, this person to consume so much of my minds thoughts. I am mildly disgusted at the thought of how much power he has over me. And I don’t know what it is about him that makes me go weak at the knees and leaves me powerless to resist, I’ve never quite been able to figure it out. I sit here, typing and sorting through my thoughts and I don’t even understand (and probably never will) why I allow him to do this to me. But he has no idea the overwhelming affect he has on me, and is more than likely blind to the fact that if he said “JUMP”, I would ask “How high?” without another thought –which is so incredibly unhealthy and stupid. No one should be able to have that type of authority over someone. And I need to have more self respect for myself and stop wasting so much mindless energy on something that is nothing more than just that… Absolutely nothing!
Be aware of what it is you seek that isn’t good for you, be aware of those you wish to have in your life. Be cautious of who you allow to control your thoughts, actions and words. We all know for ourselves what, and who those people are. It never helps to go back to them because they were never as good as they were at first. They will leave you haunted and disturbed the longer you follow them. We should focus all of our energy into things that will help us move forward and grow and become more mature. Chance’s are, you’re just chasing The Ghost Of A Good Thing, and once you catch it you will realize that it’s already dead and won’t ever be brought back to life. Our best bet is to just leave it to rest in peace, walk away, and move forward in a much more positive direction. Chase something tangible and worth it!
“But, you’re chasin’ The Ghost Of A Good Thing
Haunting yourself, as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts”
The Ghost Of A Good Thing – Dashboard Confessional
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