“There’s not enough rope to tie me down
There’s not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won’t stop until we’re free
Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken“
Wild Heart’s Can’t Be Broken – P!nk: Beautiful Trauma
Fire has the power to destroy every single thing it’s ferocious path! When it finally burns out, it reveals it’s ugly destructive wake by coating everything it touched in a dark black soot! But despite its destructive nature, it also has the power to clear out the thicket of mess that become impenetrable to even the most skilled adventurer!
Throughout a good portion of October and the first part of November, I’d been waking up incredibly ornery and irritable. On a scale from 1-10, I would wake up at about a 6 and as the day went on, it usually got worse or got better (never back to zero though) but majority of the time it got worse. I tried my every loving best to hide it, but sometimes failed miserably. I haven’t really been able to pin point the source or root of the cause which is the most annoying part. I’ve racked my brain to figure out why I felt that way and the only thing I can correlate it to is a combination of small things compounding into one larger festering sore! Feelings of stress about doing well in school, moving out, being able to afford to live on my own, getting a new job, staying on a good path mentally, and all of the other random little things life has to serve you that you don’t ever see coming. During that span of time, the only thing I really wanted at the end of every day is to be complete and utterly alone, with no one bothering me, asking me questions, inquiring about anything in my life, and I know it sounds psycho, but it’s true. This isn’t the first time this has every happened, but it finally came to it’s whitehead at the end of October when I was in California with friends. I had reached my threshold and it took every ounce of me not to freak the fuck out at everyone and anyone in my path. I held it together as best as I could because the blame wasn’t on those around me. But they would have been the unfortunate victims of a the wild fire that would have been my wrath had I allowed it to run wild. If I had the means to do so, and the time away from work, I would have booked myself a plane ticket to a tiny little cabin in the woods in No-Wheres-Ville, BFE — where no one could bother me for like 3 weeks!
Those irritable feelings have since dissipated which I’m grateful for.
At the end of the day, I just put an enormous amount of pressure on myself and it doesn’t matter how amazing people think I am at this, that, and the other. If I can see anything wrong with anything about myself, my work, my projects, etc, I’ll beat myself up over it mentally like you would not ever even believe. Which might come as a shock to most considering I’m usually pretty happy-go-lucky majority of time. Much is the commotion of thought and chatter that goes on inside my head that never gets said. And I think I just diagnosed myself as being schizophrenic. After a while I think it subconsciously takes it’s toll and I can no longer feel the natural joy and free spirit that lives inside me. It’s clouded in smoke and ash by all the negative and deplorable things I think are wrong with me.
I guess the thing I’ve learned these past few months is that as corrosive and annoying as those thoughts and feelings are, I can use the fires of rage, the degrading thoughts about myself, and the irritability I feel to burn away all the weeds, and unnecessary worries and stresses that grow in my mind. And when I open my eyes in the morning, I can see all the space cleared out for the important things in life like my family, friends, and the goals I have set for myself.
There’s not enough rope to tie me down. There is not enough tape to shut this mouth but there is a fire inside of me that burns hot with passion for those I love and the things in the world I’m passionate about. I won’t stop until I get where I’m going, it’s a battle I will win. This Wild Heart Can’t Be Broken. It does get tired and I need to remember to rest sometimes and lean on those in my life when I need it. I’m just stubborn and try to fix everything on my own.
Life has ways of keeping us all humbled and reminds us we have much work to do when it comes to being perfect. It’s in the “try” of it all where we come out of the fire stronger, better, brighter and lighter ready to take on the next obstacle.
This Wild Heart… Won’t Stay Broken
This just so happens to be my favorite movie of all time. What… a coincidence! 🙂